Sometimes the hardest situations to handle in life are ones you didn’t create. We’ve all been there. Maybe a coworker’s error created extra work for you, or a family member’s decision impacted your finances. Perhaps your partner did something that changed your future plans or another driver hit your car and you were injured. In any case, you’re stuck facing unwanted consequences for something you didn’t create. And while your first instinct might be to try to make things fair, that’s not always possible.
You can’t always choose everything that happens to you, but you can choose how you respond. To take control of situations you didn’t cause, all you need to do is accept what is, identify what you can change, and direct your efforts toward that.
Here’s how.
Accept reality before trying to change it
It’s normal to object to unfair situations, but arguing with reality won’t change anything. Your mind will just keep looping about what should have happened, and you’ll stay in a negative head space.
Accepting what happened doesn’t mean you’re okay with it, but you do need to acknowledge the facts so you can respond effectively. For example, if you were hurt in a car accident by a distracted driver, you have every right to be angry, especially if their mistake left you with medical bills, pain, and missed work. It’s not fair, but you won’t heal or recover compensation unless you shift your attention to what you need to do now, like contacting an attorney.
- Separate facts from feelings. This can be tough if you’ve been emotionally impacted by the situation, but start by being objective about what happened so you have a solid foundation to move from.
- Separate responsibility from blame. If something wasn’t your fault, you can still take responsibility for the situation by owning it and making smart choices.
- Acknowledge what happened. Working through a negative situation you didn’t cause is easier when you face reality.
- Avoid resistance. You can’t fight existing circumstances without wasting your energy. You’ll have an easier time coping when you accept your current situation.
- Stay present. You can only change things in the present, so don’t stay stuck in the past.
Life doesn’t always work out fairly, and that’s not something you can change. If you wait for the situation to become fair before accepting what is, you only delay healing and recovery.
Start looking for options
It’s normal to ask why something happened, but you’ll move closer to a solution by asking what you can do right now. Even the most difficult situations have options. You might not like all of them, but at least if you can recognize that you have choices, you’ll regain some sense of control over your life.
Most importantly, avoid lingering in a victim mindset. It’s completely understandable to feel wronged, but staying in that space for too long will prevent you from moving forward.
Remember that your goal should be improvement, not the perfect outcome. There’s a chance that even after resolution, things won’t be perfectly fai,r and that’s just something you’ll need to accept. However, it doesn’t mean things won’t be made right to the highest degree possible.
Control what you can
You can’t control what other people say or do, or how the legal system responds to your situation, but you can control your actions and attention. Every decision you make is yours alone, regardless of what others have done. Keep your attention on forward movement and control your responses and reactions.
Let go of what you can’t change
There are probably several things you can’t change in your situation. Start letting go of what you can’t change. No amount of analysis will alter something that has already happened. If you keep worrying about things you can’t change, you’ll only increase your levels of stress and cut yourself off from improving the outcome.
Create a plan
It’s much easier to create a plan for your life moving forward when you’ve accepted reality and are focused on solutions. Start by addressing any urgent concerns and breaking large challenges into smaller action steps. You’ll probably face some setbacks, so be prepared to respond calmly when they happen.
People who approach life’s challenges with an action plan experience lower levels of stress than those who remain hyper-focused on their circumstances.
Take back your power
You can’t prevent other people’s mistakes from affecting your life, but you can take purposeful action when something knocks you off guard. By shifting your attention from the problem to the solution, you can regain a modest amount of control regardless of what’s happening to you.
